Tears

I would really like to post in this blog a poem I wrote, but for the sake of not wanting it to be stolen, I won't this time. (With great emotion comes great writing...)

That being said, I'm going let out my emotions in a less poetic way, by repeating things I've said all night, in between great gaps of silence:

I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I never intended to hurt you. I regret what I did and I wish I could take it back. 

I never wanted to hurt you. Especially this badly, in this way. I was stupid. I didn't think, and I didn't pray. 

But I promise you, I'm becoming a new person. I know this wasn't very long ago, but my perspective has changed drastically. 

I've wrecked many relationships by not thinking and not praying. I've thought of myself and followed my heart instead of listening to God. But I've seen what a mess I've made by following my own desires and not giving them to God. 

I'm trying so hard to do things differently this time, because I don't want to screw this up, too. I'm waiting, and I'm praying - not as much as I should, but more than I have before - and I'm thinking. 

I'm trying to think of you, and I'm trying to think of us. Most importantly, I'm trying to think of God and put Him first; follow His will. I stopped trying a few months ago. I shut Him out. But now I'm trying. I'm not asking to be commended for that, but I'm asking you to acknowledge that. 

If you remember nothing else, please know that I do not consider myself anywhere near perfect or deserving of you, or any grace you may give me. I know that I've hurt you beyond your imagination, and I don't expect you (or us) to recover easily from that. Remember also that my heart (although bleeding with guilt) is in a different place now, and wishes only for God's will and change in my life and our relationship. 

If you find it in your soul to forgive me, then I should consider myself blessed and forever grateful that you serve a God who is greater than my sin. If you don't, I know that God will uphold me and mold me as He constructs His plan for my life. 

Thank you for listening. 

-Phoebe

Virgin Mary, not contrary, how does your patience grow?

I read Luke 1 today. It's the typical background story of the birth of John the Baptist, and how an angel informed his parents about him and Mary and Joseph about Jesus. (Read the full chapter here.) This story has been told many times, but it is much more meaningful to read the text, in God's words.
I came to this chapter to learn more about Mary. I don't believe her to be a saint, but she was obviously chosen by God and favored in his eyes. Mary was young and poor, but she was engaged to be married to Joseph, who was a good man. Her life was really just beginning when she received a message from an angel: "Greetings, favored woman! The Lord is with you!" (v. 28)
(Ladies, imagine hearing that... It gives me chills... favored woman...the Lord is with you. Isn't that something we all wish to hear? That we are acceptable in His sight; and to be comforted and encouraged on the path of righteousness?)
Mary was "confused and disturbed" by this message, and wondered how it could be possible. (v. 34) But the angel Gabriel answers confidently: "Nothing is impossible with God" (v. 37).
Mary's response, I think, reveals why God chose her. It would determine her attitude about the pregnancy, and revealed her submission to God and her discipline for and confidence in her Lord. Would it have made a difference if she said no? I have no idea. But Mary, a young, poor girl, an engaged woman, chose to answer this way instead: "I am the Lord's servant. May everything you have said about me come true." 
Mary chose to be a servant. She chose to accept God's will for her in a grateful way. The Bible really doesn't say much about her pregnancy between this account and her travels to Bethlehem before Jesus was born, when Mary was "obviously pregnant".
But it couldn't have been easy. Mary was promised to a good man. She was not married. She was young and probably ended up being alone, aside from her fiance, Joseph. (By the way, props to the guy who stood beside her throughout all this.) Mary probably had a good reputation within her town before she became pregnant. After people started finding out about the pregnancy.... well, the people's opinions probably changed. I can imagine the words that she must have heard whispered behind her back, especially if people knew the story of the angel. What did they think of her? Crazy, harlot, home-wrecker... Okay, maybe not those terms! - but it couldn't have been easy! Despite that, Mary rejoiced! She knew that God had verified her, and that was all that mattered. She sang a song of praise to Him (vv. 46-55), and remembered that she was found favorable in His eyes - no one else's views mattered. She was God's devoted servant.
I originally came to Mary's story in hopes of learning more about waiting. I heard a pastor say last week: "Biblical waiting is not passive." That really struck a chord with me. The Bible doesn't say anything much about Mary's 9-month wait for her child, but she surely was stressed during her pregnancy, with all of the extra emotional stress brought on by her culture. (I wonder if Mary ever said "JUST GET THIS THING OUTTA ME!" ;) ) How did Mary pass the time? I have no idea. But I am sure that she did not use it to sit there and twiddle her thumbs and hum mindlessly. No; she prepared. She probably spent a lot of time talking to God, especially during those later months.
Biblical waiting is not passive. It is a time of preparation; a time of focus and renewed dedication. It teaches us to be patient and wait on the Lord with expectation that God's will shall be done.
Mary waited nine months for her baby boy to be born, all the while being ridiculed; the object of town gossip and the subject of hushed conversations. And what was her reward? She was the mother of the Son of God. But she devoted herself to God and to her son as she waited.
Biblical waiting is not passive. Waiting should involve intense prayer and listening to God; it means service and working and loving and learning and praising God. Biblical waiting does not involve sitting in a dull room twiddling your thumbs and flipping through a magazine. No! Biblical waiting is intense and active.

"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings as eagles;
they shall run, and not be weary;
and they shall walk, and not faint."
Isaiah 40:31, King James

I really have no idea how Mary spent her time waiting, but I do know that she was a devoted servant of God.
Many people wish for a heart like David's (not an ungodly wish), but I wish for the determination of Mary, and for the devotion and patience she held onto as she waited to deliver the best gift this world has ever known.
Mary Christmas, everyone.

Special

You make my heart beat a little bit faster. My pulse speeds up, my hands get clammy, and the corners of my mouth are tugged upwards.
Yet,at the same time, I feel utterly comfortable with you.
Oh, I'm keeping my share of secrets for now, but as I slowly reveal them to you, I see the way that you respond with such care. You laugh at my ridiculousness, you tease me about my oddities, and you soothe my anxieties... And you still want to hear more. Your blue-grey eyes search me honestly, and tell me that you genuinely care.
I love your deep voice which speaks comforting words and flattering compliments. I'm grateful for your jokes, your smile, your prayers, and your friendship. You are a wonderful friend and a blessing every day.

A College Student's Third Semester Ramblings

It's been a while since I posted, but tonight happens to be one of those nights that I am in a blogging mood (despite finishing a research project today about five different countries; a culmination of twenty typed pages).

Wow, December already. It really sneaked up on me this year. I've been so busy with schoolwork and social activities that I really haven't slowed down to think about it (or perhaps I wanted to rest my mind by not thinking!).
A lot has changed since the beginning of the school year. My tiny sect of friends has been broken, remodeled, added to and subtracted from. I was the first to push away, and after I rejected a friend's declaration of feelings, I think he started backing off too. The couple broke up; other friends kept the group going. It just shows that nothing is stable in this world. You can't depend fully on anything. Those two were going to get married. The four of us were best friends and in our minds, that was the way it would always be.
I edged out. I found new friends; I became (slightly) more confident; I talked and I laughed and I loved and I stopped being SO self-conscious. I let go. Maybe too much in some areas, but at least I did it.
I worked harder. I put forth more effort and sweat this semester than I have any other semester in my life, and I did it with less anxiety.
I have drank more coffee in the past four months than I have in all my lifetime. I've started working out - really working out - and I've found that I actually enjoy it. It helps me be more focused, more light-hearted, and feel better in general.
I talk to people who truly make me happy. I don't have to be caught in the same circle of friends. I can branch out and talk to different people. I don't have to talk to the same person about everything.
I can keep secrets. My own secrets. And feel good about that.

I can be free. I never realized what that truly meant. Freedom isn't restricted to freedom from sins. No; Christ set me free from more than that. He set me free from my insecurities. He set me free from my fears. He set me free from all hindrances and broke down all the barriers I didn't know I could go through, or didn't know I wanted to go through. He made that possible for me. And it's such an amazing feeling, to recognize that, to rest on and rely in that, to be free and fully relaxed in that. It's freedom, and this is what it feels like.

To think... If things had gone the same way as last year, where would I be now? Would I be talking to the same people? Would my grades be worse? Would I be as happy? Would I be closer to You, or further away? Would I be so carefree? Would others have been impacted by me? Would I be talking to him...

This semester changed everything. It was difficult; it was painful and sometimes stressful and nerve-wracking. But it has also been an eye-opening experience as to how big my world can be - and how big He is to open it up for me.

I am 7,305 days old today.

That’s 1,043 weeks and four days.

That’s 175,420 hours,

or 10,519,200 minutes,

or 6,311,520,00 seconds.

I have lived through five leap years, three decades, two centuries, and two millenniums. 

Today is my 20th birthday. 

What will I make of it?

A Hearty Reminder

We forget the hearts.
We forget they are not made of steel.

We forget they are like clay, able to be molded.
We forget that they are like paper, able to be ripped.

We do as we please, and walk away from the consequences.
We don't remember His promise.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." -Psalm 147:3
God does not forget the hearts.

He binds up wounds. Bind this reminder to your hearts. 

Jealous Love

God doesn't want your religion.

He doesn't want your fake and selfish prayers;
He doesn't want your acts of righteousness.

He doesn't ask for your strength
He doesn't come hunting your abilities.

God doesn't care how many Bible studies you lead
Or how many committees you are part of

You can attend church,
You can talk about theology,

You can claim to have accepted Christ...
But if your heart isn't in it

He doesn't want any part of it.

God doesn't want your religion.
He wants your heart.

He is JEALOUS for you.
Did you know that?

Stop spending your time on things that mean nothing
And spend yourself living for God.

He wants your heart.
Don't hold back.

"Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death, it's jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame."
-Song of Songs 8:6

Treasure Hunt: Things of the Heart

Where is your heart?

What do you long for? What are your hopes and dreams?
Where do you find satisfaction?
Where do you find your happiness? What dictates your emotions?

Go back and read that again. Yes, do it.

Now answer them.
The answers you give to these questions can give you a good idea of what your treasure is.

What would happen if your dreams didn't come true?
What if the person(s) or thing(s) in which you find satisfaction leave or are taken from you?
What if the person(s) or thing(s) that make you happy let you down and cause you heartache?

Would you still be okay?
Would your treasure still be safe and guarded
Or would you be left with nothing?

The Bible says "do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." (Matthew 6:19-20)

So, maybe it's not likely that your significant other or your dreams of being a Broadway star will be eaten by moths. Still, are those things treasures of heaven? When we get to heaven, there is only One star who will matter.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that you should seclude yourself and bury any dreams you once had for yourself; not at all.
DREAM, my friends, DREAM! But place your dreams in God's hands. They will be of no use in your own.
Give your heart to Jesus. He guards it and protects it much better than we will.

When you truly relinquish all your hopes, dreams, and treasures to Him - you will find your treasure. And you won't find it in what you gave up. You will find it in Jesus Himself; your Deliverer and Comforter; the Mender of broken hearts, the Completion factor, the All-Powerful, Sustainer, All-Knowing, Perfectly-Planning God that He is.

When you find that treasure, everything else pales in comparison. Yes, it matters. It is important. But if you had to give it up, you would still be complete.


To be fair (and to provide an example), I will also answer the questions at the top for you.
I hope to someday have a career, husband and family. I would love to be "Mommy" and drive the kids to soccer practice. I also hope that I will fulfill God's plan for me, which overrules my dreams. God's plan is definitely more important than mine.
I find satisfaction in God, but I do sometimes look for it in other places: my grades, my friends. When I do, I usually end up feeling empty. God fills me always.
I find my happiness in serving God's people. Simply, I like making others happy. That cannot always be done, however. I also find happiness in the people around me: my family, friends, and boyfriend. But the joy that God has given me is far greater than any of these things. Eventually, others will let me down, and I will be frustrated. I can still delight in the Lord and His promises for me.


I care about my boyfriend very much. He is an important person in my life, but if God directed me away from him, I would go. Certainly, it would not be easy, but I know that God would sustain me and have a different plan for me.

The same goes for family, and friends. God is currently leading me away from friends right now, and it hurts. It's difficult. But God takes away, and He also gives.

God sent me to a college this is not far from my home, but keeps me away from my family for more often than I would like. That hurts as well, but I know that it is all a part of God's plan for me.

Give it up, people. The control is not worth the heartache in the end. Give everything to God and see what His plans are. Follow Him, then stand amazed.

If you're smart, you already know where your treasure is.  Put it where it needs to be, and let God reveal to you how amazing He is.

I realize this is a long and possibly confusing post. If you have questions and/or comments, please post them. I would be happy to answer them and get back to you.

Remember friends - be blessed. ~ Phoebe

You Make All Things Work Together for My Good

Today, I have thanked God for changing me.
I have praised Him for making me a new person.

I'm not who I was.

Looking back a year ago... looking back six months ago, or even three...
I can see his work in me, and it is such a beautiful thing.
Isn't it?!

A year ago, I was hurting. I was in pain, and I couldn't see any hope in my future.
Six months ago, I was longing. I had false hope for things that God didn't have in his plan for me.
Three months ago, I was searching for God's will for me, and hoping to find it.

Recently, I have seen some of God's will for me. Certainly not all of it... but a small piece of what He has in store for me.

Isn't that so absolutely marvelous? He is so wonderful to me.
I think it is so beautiful that the more you pour into God, the more He pours into you.
Give him your heart, and He'll reveal his to you.

God is so faithful to us!!! Amen?!?! Let's praise Him for it :)

"but I will not remove from him my steadfast love or be false to my faithfulness." -Psalm 89:33

Treasure Hunt

Where does my treasure lie?

As I pack my things for another year at college, I can't help but look at it all and think, "Why do I have so much stuff? And why do I feel that I need it all?"

Why are we so attached to this world? The world calls out to us, and we answer. It pulls us in. We give the world power when we give in to its voice and its requirements of us. What does it take to give that power to something (or someone) else?

I don't want my treasure to be found in my earthly possessions: how many shirts I have, or how expensive my jewelry is. So where should my treasure be found? Where should it be compared to where it is now?

I'll be exploring my heart and God's Word as I seek my treasure (all puns intended). This topic is something that God has been laying heavily on my heart in the past few days. I hope that you take these blogs seriously and considering joining me as I search for my treasure and come closer to the very heart of God.

"My son, if you will receive my words and treasure my commandments within you,
making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding,
yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding,
if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, 
then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God."
-Proverbs 2:1-5

Be blessed, friends. ~Phoebe

You are good.

I don't say it nearly enough.
When was the last time I said "thank you"?
I honestly don't remember.

But it's true, God-
You are good to me...
So amazingly good to me.
Don't ever let me forget it.

When I truly stop and think about it, it's overwhelming.
How can I even begin to express my gratitude?
Simply, I suppose -
Thank You, God, for this life, these opportunities, these talents, this moment.

Help me use them to glorify You.

"So I'll sing You a love song, it's all that I have -
To tell You I'm grateful for holding my life in Your hands."

This is the day

This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it. (Psalm 118:24)

I feel sick.
This is the day the Lord has made.

I'm sweaty and tired.
This is the day the Lord has made.

I'm so stressed.
This is the day the Lord has made.

I have to confront someone I didn't want to speak with.
This is the day the Lord has made.

I didn't study for today's test.
This is the day the Lord has made.

Monday, again?
This is the day the Lord has made.


I'm running late.
This is the day the Lord has made.


Money is tight.
This is the day the Lord has made.


I will rejoice and be glad in today, no matter what it brings. This is the day that You made, and that makes today very special.

This Is My Father's World

Staring out the window, I can't help but think of God's majesty.
My gaze glazes over as I stare at miles of cornfields. We pass patches of wildflowers and I smile. Pink flowers with dark centers try to hide behind tall purple "weeds", but fail.
Without a doubt, this is God's creation. Sometimes His name is shouted by roaring winds, and other times it is whispered in a soft breeze. The birds sing His praises, and if humans didn't, the rocks would.
Every piece of His world declares that He is King. As I look up at the powder blue sky, I have to agree that there is no one greater than Him.

"All the earth bows down to You; they sing praise to You; they sing praise to Your name." -Psalm 66:4

Love Story::

Prince falls in love with beautiful princess, then proceeds to fight the evil villain, and in doing so, saves the day and wins the princess's heart.

Typical. 

Isn't that every little girl's dream?
Don't we all want to be rescued and romanced?
We spend so much time searching for that prince; that epitome of perfection. When we believe we have found him, we place all our expectations in him, and at some point (or many points) we become disappointed. 

Maybe that's because we've cast the wrong person as prince. The writer wrote this script with a specific person in mind as the prince. It isn't our job to recast.

Let God take His rightful place in your life. He's already rescued you from sin; now let Him romance you and prove how great His love for you is. 

Ready

I'm so ready to move on.

I'm sick of the life I've lived; of the thoughts and feelings I held.
I'm tired of old habits and the disinterest in what I do.
I want to move forward; away from all of this!

I'm ready now; SO ready!
I'm tired of going backward or standing still.
Show me, Lord, how to move forward.

"Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak." -Mark 14:38

Major.

Strained.
Frustrated.
Uncomfortable.

I don't belong here.
It's time to move forward,
even though I don't know the directions.
Thankfully, I know who I'm following.

Trust and Obey

You never said it wouldn't hurt.
You told me to follow.
You told me to trust.
But you never promised there would be no pain.

But You promise to stay; to endure.
You never let go before, and You won't let go now.
You said that I have to let go.
You said I can endure, with Your help.

You promised me a future, and a hope.
New HOPE. <3

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity." -Jeremiah 29:11-14a

Renewed and New.

Okay. *deep breath*
:)
Hello everyone. I would like to welcome you to my blog.
Yes, you may have read my blog before, but I want to welcome you to my new and improved blog!
By that, I mean that I am new and improved ;)
Or at least, I will be :)

It will be a DAILY struggle, but I know that I have made the right choice.
I choose You, Jesus :) You are the one for me.

"When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me...
Father of love; You can have me."
(Sidewalk Prophets, "You Can Have Me")

I must forget what the world has told me. It will not be an easy process, but I know it is one that I need and want to take.

If you're reading this: chances are that I asked you to.
I know that I'm at a weak point in my life right now.
I need your support. I need to be reminded that God is everything.
I need to remember what I believe and know to be true.

Several of you have stepped forward and offered your support.
I wasn't ready for it yet. I am now.
Please, my sisters... I need your encouragement.
Thank you, and I love you :)

SO... If you have read my blog since - well, since I started it! - then you'll know that my posts are not always very joyful or upbeat. I hope that you will see an improvement in that soon.
While I realize that I will not always feel happy, I know that I can still be joyful.
I hope that you will see more joy in my posts now that this circumstance has been resolved.

This is new for me; completely new. I'm not used to others holding me accountable. But I know I need it, and the Lord commands it, so I am asking you.

If you think something's up, talk to me.
It may not seem like it, but I want your accountability.
I want to know if someone will notice if I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing.
Please, HOLD ME TO THIS. Walk with me and be my sisters.
<3

Remind me, Lord:
"If You're all You claim to be, then I'm not losing anything."

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing and perfect will." - Romans 12:12

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." - James 5:16

"Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble." - 1 Peter 3:8

Tentatively

I'm scared.
It scares me that I even have to think about this; that I don't have an instinctive reaction to it.
I know what I should do. But I don't want to do it.

The choices are staring me straight in the face.
One way; I will seemingly be satisfied. I will be happy; I will have what I've always wanted.
The other way; I can start anew. I can move forward. I will have what I've always needed.

So... what is it?  I have to ask myself this question carefully.
I know what I could gain... and I know what I would lose.

WHY should I even be contemplating this?! Does rebellion have such a hold on me that I would dare make this leap?
It's right; what they say: It takes more faith to believe that you will be all right without Him than it does to believe that you will thrive with Him.

It's crazy, but it takes more guts to believe that You have better plans in store for me than it takes to try to make my plans work out. 

No, I haven't listened. But You spoke to me anyway.
"I will make You new. I have BETTER plans for you. You don't have to remain the same person.
You can move forward, and live."

Better? But.... what if I'm satisfied with where I am now? What if I don't want to move forward?
What if I want what I want?!


"Convince me!" I demanded as tears began to roll down my cheeks.
"What more do I have to do?" His tender whisper shouted to me.

I don't know... I don't know....
Just... show me.

Show me that You care more than he does now, or ever could.
Show me that I don't need everything I think I do.
Show me that You love me. Let me feel that.

Show me that I don't have to settle.
Show me that You are making a new path for me.
Show me that You make all things new.

I'm afraid to talk about this, but at the same time - I want to be convinced.
I want my brothers and sisters to show me that You, God, are THE correct choice.
I know You are... but somehow my heart has forgotten that.

In the end, though, my decision is the one that counts.
They can talk to me all they want, but it is my life that will show who I live for.

I know what I should do, but I don't want to do it.
Tentatively, I'm asking You, God; although I know I don't deserve an answer, although I know You've already given me MORE than enough information to make the correct answer:
Convince me, please.

Tentatively, I'm trying to let go of my plans and let my heart go to the right person.
Tentatively, (and slowly) I am beginning to believe that You have better plans.
Tentatively, I am asking You to speak to me again... although I know that You can convince me to go the way my heart is resisting.

Tentatively, I let go, and ask that You give me something new to grasp tightly.

If I'm being honest...

Then I would have to say that things have been messed up for a long time.
If I'm being honest, then I'd have to say I haven't been the same person.
If I'm being honest, things have felt hopeless for quite some time.
If I'm being honest, I know this isn't from God.

As long as I'm being honest, I might as well admit that my ideas have changed.
It's okay to do something that feels right, without praying about it.
As long as I'm being honest, I might as well admit that I haven't been praying.
As long as I'm being honest, I might as well say that You don't seem like my best friend anymore. I don't feel close to You.
As long as I'm being honest, it's my fault.

Nothing seems right anymore.
I'm so lost that I don't know how to return to the correct path.
I don't know if I can return to that path.

As long as I'm being honest..
It's easy to tell people "God forgives you for everything you've done!"
But it's another thing to live it in your life, after you see everything you've done wrong.

It's hard to get back on track when you lost sight of the track.
I found it every once in a while, but lost it after a few days or weeks.
If I'm being honest, I know that a few songs aren't going to fix me.

If I'm honest, I don't know if I can ever get fixed.

Free Grace

I wander in aimlessly. Honestly, I don't even belong here. This isn't a place for people like me. Palaces usually don't accept beggars very kindly. Something about this place is different, though. I tremble knowing I don't deserve to be here, but long to stay nonetheless.

I lean my head all the way back to stare at the ceiling in the foyer. The gold engravings high above me cause my mouth to hang open in awe. Delicate golden angels with large wings seem to go on forever. They are grouped together, singing and laughing with each other. As I continue staring at the ceiling, the angels appear more and more lifelike. I still recall hearing a beautiful melody I have not heard before, and have never heard since.

I look down and see my rags, the ones that have been weighing me down for so long. To you, they don't appear heavy because of the rips and holes in them, but they hold me back. They kept me away from this place.

My bare feet tracked mud onto the clean, white marble floor, and my dirty hair is steadily dripping rainwater; creating a puddle. I glance outside, and see the rain pouring down. The thunder cracks, and I gasp; bringing my hands to my mouth.

My hands. I pull them away from my face to look at them. Despite the rain, they (like my clothes) remain caked in black soot.

I shiver again. What would the King of this palace do to me? I was a nuisance in His home.

Suddenly, I hear heavy wooden doors open to my left. I look to see a broad, handsome man walking towards me. I avert my eyes. What am I doing here? I don't belong here...


"Welcome." His reassuring voice echoes to the depths of my soul. I lift my eyes to find the Prince standing in front of me, smiling; His hand outstretched for mine. I cautiously raise my dirty, blackened hand and lay it in His. We begin to walk, but I soon collapse. I didn't realize how exhausted I was. In one swift movement, He picks me up and carries me in His arms. I rest my head on His shoulder and drift into sleep and complete assurance.

I just...

Just...
Just want to go.
Just want to be there.
Just want to be your hands and feet
Just want to illuminate Your love.

I just want to go.

I just need....
Money.
Lots of it.

But...
It's not working.
I'm not working.
This plan isn't working.

And when I asked for prayers, I didn't
Just want prayers.

Prayers are amazing, but prayers don't pay for an airplane flight or an in-country fee.

Prayers won't take me there.
They'll take me far, but they can't place me there physically.

:'(

"Just" just isn't enough.

Hands.

Strong hands.
Lifting me; holding me up.
I didn't expect this strength.
Strength contradicts my weakness.

Guiding hands.
One gripping my elbow; another holding my hand.
Those hands became my sight.
Vigilant hands protected me.

Praying hands.

Hands on my knees; hands on my hands...

Prayers being whispered.

Prayers are as tangible as hands.

Hands lifted prayers to His ears.

I don't fully understand the miracle that happened last night, 

But I know that God created that miracle,

And He put the right people in the right place at the right time.

It may not seem like much, but I KNOW it was.

Prayer is a powerful weapon, and it was certainly used last night.

God heals. Prayer is His medicine.

"Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time He said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me." - 2 Corinthians 12:8-9

"Such a prayer offered in faith will heal the sick, and the Lord will make you well." - James 5:15

Hey, Jesus?... Be my valentine? :)

Today, obviously, is Valentine's Day.
Or, as my roommate lovingly refers to it, "Singles Awareness Day."

Despite spending today single, I was determined to remind myself and everyone I could that God is all we need.
I plastered pictures, statuses, and wall posts all over Facebook.
I'm a huge fan of cheesy sayings, so I loved the thought of God saying, "Be mine?"
I found a picture that said "So you want to find love? Just find God." Yes. Yes, it went up.
One of my favorite verses from 1 Corinthians was posted also: "A woman who is not married or a girl who has never married is busy with the Lord's work. She wants to be holy in body and spirit." (chapter 7 verse 34)

The older I get, the more I realize that I'm different from others my age (or even those a few years older than me) when it comes to romance.
You see a sunset, and wish you had someone there to share it with you.
I see a sunset, and think about the Creator that shared it with me.

I'm used to being single. I'm HAPPY being single.
This isn't one of those "female power", I'm totally independent and don't need a man blogs.
(Okay, except for the "I don't need a man" part ;) )

I've learned that a man isn't going to complete me. I've learned that having a boyfriend (or maybe eventually, a husband) isn't going to satisfy me.
People are going to let you down. They're going to "stop" loving you, they will not be available every time you need them, they won't say the right thing at the right time.
It happens.
BUT
God will always love you. He's there every time you need Him. He says the right thing every time, even when you don't know you need to hear it.

I'm trying to explain to you the magnitude of what I've learned the past few years.
I'm trying to help you understand how DEEP, how WIDE, how LONG, and how HIGH God's love really is.
But you can't fit all that into a blog.

Today, I had dinner with our one of our school librarians. She's a nice enough lady. She can hold up a conversation on her own (even if no one at the table is paying attention). If you're willing to listen, though, you might actually find some pearls in the things she says.
Tonight, she was talking about being single and dating. Since this is obviously one of my favorite topics, I paid close attention and ended up asking how she and her husband met.
"Well, I was actually single until I was 34. Most of my friends wanted relationships or were in them, but I was satisfied with being single. By that age, I had decided that God probably wanted for me to be single for my life. But I was happy with that."
Wow. I've talked before about being single for life before. Hearing that "single at age 34" was someone else's reality made it a reality for me.
But.. when most people would hear that story and think, "wow, that's so sad for her..."
that wasn't the way she looked at it at all. She was hopeful - not for eventually getting married, but excited for God's plans with her singleness. She was completely satisfied with God.

Honestly, if I could be like that when I'm older - so completely satisfied in God that it doesn't MATTER if I'm single or married - I don't think there could be a calling more worthwhile.

What would happen if we didn't keep our hearts hidden away from God? What would happen if we recklessly abandoned our love lives to God?
Every morning, God asks: "Be mine?"
What if we answered, "Completely."?

"Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart's desires." -Psalm 37:4

What would happen if we took delight in the Lord not to receive the desires of our hearts, but to have our desires transformed to God's desires?
Maybe then we would receive what our souls truly desire... and it won't matter if we're single...
We have God.
Now tell me - what MORE could a person need?

Healing

"You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
and You heal all my disease..."
["Healer", Hillsong United]

The past few months, I have seen God working in me. It hasn't been easy. In fact, I can't think of one time in the past few months when following Him or listening for His voice was easy. It's been difficult through and through.

You see, I have this chronic disease.
It's called being human.
Symptoms include pride, impurity, and sin in general.
There's only one thing that can heal me: the Ultimate Healer, my Savior.

It's not a simple healing process, but He is with me through it all. He is still here, as I am still healing, and always will be.
Don't you see? He has shown me His presence. He's calmed my raging seas and He's walked with me through fire. He's been holding every moment. He stayed and healed me because He loves me.

I've been pretty sick for a while now. I didn't want to admit it. There came a point where I had to give it up and go to the Doctor. And when I did, I saw how truly sick I was. I realized that He's the only one who can help me.

[This is where the miraculous part of the story begins.] 

I started changing. I didn't think it was possible, but suddenly it was happening. Swallowing the horse pills Doc gave me wasn't always fun, but I sure felt better after taking them. Then one day, I looked in the mirror... and I didn't see the same wounds I used to see. The scratches and bruises were fading; my tired eyes appeared brighter and full of life. 

But something appeared that reminded me of my scars. Instead of running away from sure illness, I crept closer. I know exactly what will happen, but I choose to forget. In the process, I forget my healing. 

After being sick and then healed, how could I choose to be sick again?

Why would I choose illness over health?

Why would I choose LESS than what God has offered me?

I have been offered healing and everything I need. 

I can accept it, or I can choose sickness and longing. 

I have to lean on what I know to be true:

"I believe You're my healer

I believe You are all I need

I believe You're my Portion

I believe You're more than enough for me.

Jesus, You're all I need."

I will always need healing... and I will always have healing. 

I will always have more than all that I need. 

Difference vs. Sum

I hate that this consumes me.
I hate that it's dictating and taking over my life.
I hate that it makes a difference...
But it makes a difference.

When I choose my clothes...
It makes a difference.
When I choose my meals...
It makes a difference.
When I look in the mirror...
It makes a difference.
When I step on the scale...
It makes a difference.

Maybe you don't see it, but I do.
You're lying if you think "there could never be a more beautiful you!"
Because there was, but you don't see her anymore.
She's hidden...buried, you could say.

Buried beneath guilt
Buried beneath jealousy
Buried beneath anger
Buried beneath self-loathing

Buried under multiple layers, and I don't know if we'll ever see her again.

What I don't understand is this:

"13 For it was You who created my inward parts; You knit me together in my mother's womb. 

14 I will praise You, because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, and I know this very well. 

- Psalm 139:13-14

I believe You made me, and I don't mean any disrespect when I say this, but... I don't see that I am wonderfully made. I see that my body is complex and it does amazing things that only You could imagine for it, but I don't see that the outside is wonderful.

I wish I understood.
I keep thinking: "But You don't see what I see!"
But You're whispering, "No, Child... You don't see what I see."
I wish I could see what You see. Things from my perspective don't look that great.

Sometimes I want to hide in the darkness.
Sometimes I don't want to stand in Your Presence.
Often, I don't feel worthy.

"11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me, and the light around me will become like night" - 

12 even the darkness is not dark to You. The night shines like day; darkness and light are alike to You." 

- Psalm 139:11-12

Your light still shines on me. And in the end, I'd rather be covered in Your light than covered in darkness.

"I can never escape Your Spirit! I can never get away from Your presence!"

- Psalm 139:7 (NLT)

I can find comfort in knowing You will never leave me. Not for any reason. I can't escape You, because You won't let me go.
I would rather find lasting comfort in You than find finite comfort elsewhere.

"17 God, how difficult Your thoughts are for me to comprehend; how vast their sum is!

18 If I counted them, they would outnumber the grains of the sand; when I wake up, I am still with You."

- Psalm 139:17-18

No matter what I look like when I wake up tomorrow, You'll still be there.

Even though I don't understand it all, I'm going to try to look at things from Your perspective now. After all, I'd rather end with a sum instead of a difference.






*All Bible verses, unless otherwise noted, come from the Holman Christian Standard Bible (CSB).

Like heaven, only smaller.

I look at the pictures again, and the memories come with them.
Then comes my smile.
I can't help it - when I see their smiles, mine appears from nowhere.

I miss it -
The lush green beauty of it all,
The amazing creation of nature surrounding us and following us everywhere.
The cool rain that came nearly every afternoon, like floods from the heavens...
You know the song "Grace Like Rain"?
The person who wrote that must have been to Costa Rica, because Your grace wouldn't be comparable to a few drops of water from the American sky.

The children.
Oh, Lord, the children.
Their smiles. Their laughter.
Their music.

It has to be what heaven sounds like, only smaller.
I am a musician, and I have performed and studied music for more than six years now.
But the sound that came together in that house was more amazing than anything I've heard before.
I couldn't hear anything wrong with their singing.
Sure, it wasn't at the same musical level as some songs I've sang and heard, but...
It was beautiful.
It was stunning.
It was heavenly.

They simply sang for You.
They sang for us,
abandoning all fears and timidity;
abandoning their hearts to You.

I didn't know the words they sang,
But I spoke the same language -
Your language.

I wonder if that's how You hear us when we sing to You.
You know there are imperfections, but You find our voices beautiful.
You ignore the imperfections of our voices, like You can't hear them.
You just hear the praise.

It must be like heaven.
Voices gathered together in praise -
Joyful, jubilant praise,
Stretching to You in streams as dense as the rain that falls from Your hands.

Yes, it must be like heaven.
Only heaven will be infinite times bigger.

I can almost hear their voices, ringing pure and clear.
I can't wait to hear them along with all the others.