Tears

I would really like to post in this blog a poem I wrote, but for the sake of not wanting it to be stolen, I won't this time. (With great emotion comes great writing...)

That being said, I'm going let out my emotions in a less poetic way, by repeating things I've said all night, in between great gaps of silence:

I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I never intended to hurt you. I regret what I did and I wish I could take it back. 

I never wanted to hurt you. Especially this badly, in this way. I was stupid. I didn't think, and I didn't pray. 

But I promise you, I'm becoming a new person. I know this wasn't very long ago, but my perspective has changed drastically. 

I've wrecked many relationships by not thinking and not praying. I've thought of myself and followed my heart instead of listening to God. But I've seen what a mess I've made by following my own desires and not giving them to God. 

I'm trying so hard to do things differently this time, because I don't want to screw this up, too. I'm waiting, and I'm praying - not as much as I should, but more than I have before - and I'm thinking. 

I'm trying to think of you, and I'm trying to think of us. Most importantly, I'm trying to think of God and put Him first; follow His will. I stopped trying a few months ago. I shut Him out. But now I'm trying. I'm not asking to be commended for that, but I'm asking you to acknowledge that. 

If you remember nothing else, please know that I do not consider myself anywhere near perfect or deserving of you, or any grace you may give me. I know that I've hurt you beyond your imagination, and I don't expect you (or us) to recover easily from that. Remember also that my heart (although bleeding with guilt) is in a different place now, and wishes only for God's will and change in my life and our relationship. 

If you find it in your soul to forgive me, then I should consider myself blessed and forever grateful that you serve a God who is greater than my sin. If you don't, I know that God will uphold me and mold me as He constructs His plan for my life. 

Thank you for listening. 

-Phoebe

Virgin Mary, not contrary, how does your patience grow?

I read Luke 1 today. It's the typical background story of the birth of John the Baptist, and how an angel informed his parents about him and Mary and Joseph about Jesus. (Read the full chapter here.) This story has been told many times, but it is much more meaningful to read the text, in God's words.
I came to this chapter to learn more about Mary. I don't believe her to be a saint, but she was obviously chosen by God and favored in his eyes. Mary was young and poor, but she was engaged to be married to Joseph, who was a good man. Her life was really just beginning when she received a message from an angel: "Greetings, favored woman! The Lord is with you!" (v. 28)
(Ladies, imagine hearing that... It gives me chills... favored woman...the Lord is with you. Isn't that something we all wish to hear? That we are acceptable in His sight; and to be comforted and encouraged on the path of righteousness?)
Mary was "confused and disturbed" by this message, and wondered how it could be possible. (v. 34) But the angel Gabriel answers confidently: "Nothing is impossible with God" (v. 37).
Mary's response, I think, reveals why God chose her. It would determine her attitude about the pregnancy, and revealed her submission to God and her discipline for and confidence in her Lord. Would it have made a difference if she said no? I have no idea. But Mary, a young, poor girl, an engaged woman, chose to answer this way instead: "I am the Lord's servant. May everything you have said about me come true." 
Mary chose to be a servant. She chose to accept God's will for her in a grateful way. The Bible really doesn't say much about her pregnancy between this account and her travels to Bethlehem before Jesus was born, when Mary was "obviously pregnant".
But it couldn't have been easy. Mary was promised to a good man. She was not married. She was young and probably ended up being alone, aside from her fiance, Joseph. (By the way, props to the guy who stood beside her throughout all this.) Mary probably had a good reputation within her town before she became pregnant. After people started finding out about the pregnancy.... well, the people's opinions probably changed. I can imagine the words that she must have heard whispered behind her back, especially if people knew the story of the angel. What did they think of her? Crazy, harlot, home-wrecker... Okay, maybe not those terms! - but it couldn't have been easy! Despite that, Mary rejoiced! She knew that God had verified her, and that was all that mattered. She sang a song of praise to Him (vv. 46-55), and remembered that she was found favorable in His eyes - no one else's views mattered. She was God's devoted servant.
I originally came to Mary's story in hopes of learning more about waiting. I heard a pastor say last week: "Biblical waiting is not passive." That really struck a chord with me. The Bible doesn't say anything much about Mary's 9-month wait for her child, but she surely was stressed during her pregnancy, with all of the extra emotional stress brought on by her culture. (I wonder if Mary ever said "JUST GET THIS THING OUTTA ME!" ;) ) How did Mary pass the time? I have no idea. But I am sure that she did not use it to sit there and twiddle her thumbs and hum mindlessly. No; she prepared. She probably spent a lot of time talking to God, especially during those later months.
Biblical waiting is not passive. It is a time of preparation; a time of focus and renewed dedication. It teaches us to be patient and wait on the Lord with expectation that God's will shall be done.
Mary waited nine months for her baby boy to be born, all the while being ridiculed; the object of town gossip and the subject of hushed conversations. And what was her reward? She was the mother of the Son of God. But she devoted herself to God and to her son as she waited.
Biblical waiting is not passive. Waiting should involve intense prayer and listening to God; it means service and working and loving and learning and praising God. Biblical waiting does not involve sitting in a dull room twiddling your thumbs and flipping through a magazine. No! Biblical waiting is intense and active.

"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings as eagles;
they shall run, and not be weary;
and they shall walk, and not faint."
Isaiah 40:31, King James

I really have no idea how Mary spent her time waiting, but I do know that she was a devoted servant of God.
Many people wish for a heart like David's (not an ungodly wish), but I wish for the determination of Mary, and for the devotion and patience she held onto as she waited to deliver the best gift this world has ever known.
Mary Christmas, everyone.

Special

You make my heart beat a little bit faster. My pulse speeds up, my hands get clammy, and the corners of my mouth are tugged upwards.
Yet,at the same time, I feel utterly comfortable with you.
Oh, I'm keeping my share of secrets for now, but as I slowly reveal them to you, I see the way that you respond with such care. You laugh at my ridiculousness, you tease me about my oddities, and you soothe my anxieties... And you still want to hear more. Your blue-grey eyes search me honestly, and tell me that you genuinely care.
I love your deep voice which speaks comforting words and flattering compliments. I'm grateful for your jokes, your smile, your prayers, and your friendship. You are a wonderful friend and a blessing every day.

A College Student's Third Semester Ramblings

It's been a while since I posted, but tonight happens to be one of those nights that I am in a blogging mood (despite finishing a research project today about five different countries; a culmination of twenty typed pages).

Wow, December already. It really sneaked up on me this year. I've been so busy with schoolwork and social activities that I really haven't slowed down to think about it (or perhaps I wanted to rest my mind by not thinking!).
A lot has changed since the beginning of the school year. My tiny sect of friends has been broken, remodeled, added to and subtracted from. I was the first to push away, and after I rejected a friend's declaration of feelings, I think he started backing off too. The couple broke up; other friends kept the group going. It just shows that nothing is stable in this world. You can't depend fully on anything. Those two were going to get married. The four of us were best friends and in our minds, that was the way it would always be.
I edged out. I found new friends; I became (slightly) more confident; I talked and I laughed and I loved and I stopped being SO self-conscious. I let go. Maybe too much in some areas, but at least I did it.
I worked harder. I put forth more effort and sweat this semester than I have any other semester in my life, and I did it with less anxiety.
I have drank more coffee in the past four months than I have in all my lifetime. I've started working out - really working out - and I've found that I actually enjoy it. It helps me be more focused, more light-hearted, and feel better in general.
I talk to people who truly make me happy. I don't have to be caught in the same circle of friends. I can branch out and talk to different people. I don't have to talk to the same person about everything.
I can keep secrets. My own secrets. And feel good about that.

I can be free. I never realized what that truly meant. Freedom isn't restricted to freedom from sins. No; Christ set me free from more than that. He set me free from my insecurities. He set me free from my fears. He set me free from all hindrances and broke down all the barriers I didn't know I could go through, or didn't know I wanted to go through. He made that possible for me. And it's such an amazing feeling, to recognize that, to rest on and rely in that, to be free and fully relaxed in that. It's freedom, and this is what it feels like.

To think... If things had gone the same way as last year, where would I be now? Would I be talking to the same people? Would my grades be worse? Would I be as happy? Would I be closer to You, or further away? Would I be so carefree? Would others have been impacted by me? Would I be talking to him...

This semester changed everything. It was difficult; it was painful and sometimes stressful and nerve-wracking. But it has also been an eye-opening experience as to how big my world can be - and how big He is to open it up for me.