Tentatively

I'm scared.
It scares me that I even have to think about this; that I don't have an instinctive reaction to it.
I know what I should do. But I don't want to do it.

The choices are staring me straight in the face.
One way; I will seemingly be satisfied. I will be happy; I will have what I've always wanted.
The other way; I can start anew. I can move forward. I will have what I've always needed.

So... what is it?  I have to ask myself this question carefully.
I know what I could gain... and I know what I would lose.

WHY should I even be contemplating this?! Does rebellion have such a hold on me that I would dare make this leap?
It's right; what they say: It takes more faith to believe that you will be all right without Him than it does to believe that you will thrive with Him.

It's crazy, but it takes more guts to believe that You have better plans in store for me than it takes to try to make my plans work out. 

No, I haven't listened. But You spoke to me anyway.
"I will make You new. I have BETTER plans for you. You don't have to remain the same person.
You can move forward, and live."

Better? But.... what if I'm satisfied with where I am now? What if I don't want to move forward?
What if I want what I want?!


"Convince me!" I demanded as tears began to roll down my cheeks.
"What more do I have to do?" His tender whisper shouted to me.

I don't know... I don't know....
Just... show me.

Show me that You care more than he does now, or ever could.
Show me that I don't need everything I think I do.
Show me that You love me. Let me feel that.

Show me that I don't have to settle.
Show me that You are making a new path for me.
Show me that You make all things new.

I'm afraid to talk about this, but at the same time - I want to be convinced.
I want my brothers and sisters to show me that You, God, are THE correct choice.
I know You are... but somehow my heart has forgotten that.

In the end, though, my decision is the one that counts.
They can talk to me all they want, but it is my life that will show who I live for.

I know what I should do, but I don't want to do it.
Tentatively, I'm asking You, God; although I know I don't deserve an answer, although I know You've already given me MORE than enough information to make the correct answer:
Convince me, please.

Tentatively, I'm trying to let go of my plans and let my heart go to the right person.
Tentatively, (and slowly) I am beginning to believe that You have better plans.
Tentatively, I am asking You to speak to me again... although I know that You can convince me to go the way my heart is resisting.

Tentatively, I let go, and ask that You give me something new to grasp tightly.