Difference vs. Sum

I hate that this consumes me.
I hate that it's dictating and taking over my life.
I hate that it makes a difference...
But it makes a difference.

When I choose my clothes...
It makes a difference.
When I choose my meals...
It makes a difference.
When I look in the mirror...
It makes a difference.
When I step on the scale...
It makes a difference.

Maybe you don't see it, but I do.
You're lying if you think "there could never be a more beautiful you!"
Because there was, but you don't see her anymore.
She's hidden...buried, you could say.

Buried beneath guilt
Buried beneath jealousy
Buried beneath anger
Buried beneath self-loathing

Buried under multiple layers, and I don't know if we'll ever see her again.

What I don't understand is this:

"13 For it was You who created my inward parts; You knit me together in my mother's womb. 

14 I will praise You, because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, and I know this very well. 

- Psalm 139:13-14

I believe You made me, and I don't mean any disrespect when I say this, but... I don't see that I am wonderfully made. I see that my body is complex and it does amazing things that only You could imagine for it, but I don't see that the outside is wonderful.

I wish I understood.
I keep thinking: "But You don't see what I see!"
But You're whispering, "No, Child... You don't see what I see."
I wish I could see what You see. Things from my perspective don't look that great.

Sometimes I want to hide in the darkness.
Sometimes I don't want to stand in Your Presence.
Often, I don't feel worthy.

"11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me, and the light around me will become like night" - 

12 even the darkness is not dark to You. The night shines like day; darkness and light are alike to You." 

- Psalm 139:11-12

Your light still shines on me. And in the end, I'd rather be covered in Your light than covered in darkness.

"I can never escape Your Spirit! I can never get away from Your presence!"

- Psalm 139:7 (NLT)

I can find comfort in knowing You will never leave me. Not for any reason. I can't escape You, because You won't let me go.
I would rather find lasting comfort in You than find finite comfort elsewhere.

"17 God, how difficult Your thoughts are for me to comprehend; how vast their sum is!

18 If I counted them, they would outnumber the grains of the sand; when I wake up, I am still with You."

- Psalm 139:17-18

No matter what I look like when I wake up tomorrow, You'll still be there.

Even though I don't understand it all, I'm going to try to look at things from Your perspective now. After all, I'd rather end with a sum instead of a difference.






*All Bible verses, unless otherwise noted, come from the Holman Christian Standard Bible (CSB).