It's been a while since I posted, but tonight happens to be one of those nights that I am in a blogging mood (despite finishing a research project today about five different countries; a culmination of twenty typed pages).
Wow, December already. It really sneaked up on me this year. I've been so busy with schoolwork and social activities that I really haven't slowed down to think about it (or perhaps I wanted to rest my mind by not thinking!).
A lot has changed since the beginning of the school year. My tiny sect of friends has been broken, remodeled, added to and subtracted from. I was the first to push away, and after I rejected a friend's declaration of feelings, I think he started backing off too. The couple broke up; other friends kept the group going. It just shows that nothing is stable in this world. You can't depend fully on anything. Those two were going to get married. The four of us were best friends and in our minds, that was the way it would always be.
I edged out. I found new friends; I became (slightly) more confident; I talked and I laughed and I loved and I stopped being SO self-conscious. I let go. Maybe too much in some areas, but at least I did it.
I worked harder. I put forth more effort and sweat this semester than I have any other semester in my life, and I did it with less anxiety.
I have drank more coffee in the past four months than I have in all my lifetime. I've started working out - really working out - and I've found that I actually enjoy it. It helps me be more focused, more light-hearted, and feel better in general.
I talk to people who truly make me happy. I don't have to be caught in the same circle of friends. I can branch out and talk to different people. I don't have to talk to the same person about everything.
I can keep secrets. My own secrets. And feel good about that.
I can be free. I never realized what that truly meant. Freedom isn't restricted to freedom from sins. No; Christ set me free from more than that. He set me free from my insecurities. He set me free from my fears. He set me free from all hindrances and broke down all the barriers I didn't know I could go through, or didn't know I wanted to go through. He made that possible for me. And it's such an amazing feeling, to recognize that, to rest on and rely in that, to be free and fully relaxed in that. It's freedom, and this is what it feels like.
To think... If things had gone the same way as last year, where would I be now? Would I be talking to the same people? Would my grades be worse? Would I be as happy? Would I be closer to You, or further away? Would I be so carefree? Would others have been impacted by me? Would I be talking to him...
This semester changed everything. It was difficult; it was painful and sometimes stressful and nerve-wracking. But it has also been an eye-opening experience as to how big my world can be - and how big He is to open it up for me.
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