That being said, I'm going let out my emotions in a less poetic way, by repeating things I've said all night, in between great gaps of silence:
I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I never intended to hurt you. I regret what I did and I wish I could take it back.
I never wanted to hurt you. Especially this badly, in this way. I was stupid. I didn't think, and I didn't pray.
But I promise you, I'm becoming a new person. I know this wasn't very long ago, but my perspective has changed drastically.
I've wrecked many relationships by not thinking and not praying. I've thought of myself and followed my heart instead of listening to God. But I've seen what a mess I've made by following my own desires and not giving them to God.
I'm trying so hard to do things differently this time, because I don't want to screw this up, too. I'm waiting, and I'm praying - not as much as I should, but more than I have before - and I'm thinking.
I'm trying to think of you, and I'm trying to think of us. Most importantly, I'm trying to think of God and put Him first; follow His will. I stopped trying a few months ago. I shut Him out. But now I'm trying. I'm not asking to be commended for that, but I'm asking you to acknowledge that.
If you remember nothing else, please know that I do not consider myself anywhere near perfect or deserving of you, or any grace you may give me. I know that I've hurt you beyond your imagination, and I don't expect you (or us) to recover easily from that. Remember also that my heart (although bleeding with guilt) is in a different place now, and wishes only for God's will and change in my life and our relationship.
If you find it in your soul to forgive me, then I should consider myself blessed and forever grateful that you serve a God who is greater than my sin. If you don't, I know that God will uphold me and mold me as He constructs His plan for my life.
Thank you for listening.
-Phoebe
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