Free Grace

I wander in aimlessly. Honestly, I don't even belong here. This isn't a place for people like me. Palaces usually don't accept beggars very kindly. Something about this place is different, though. I tremble knowing I don't deserve to be here, but long to stay nonetheless.

I lean my head all the way back to stare at the ceiling in the foyer. The gold engravings high above me cause my mouth to hang open in awe. Delicate golden angels with large wings seem to go on forever. They are grouped together, singing and laughing with each other. As I continue staring at the ceiling, the angels appear more and more lifelike. I still recall hearing a beautiful melody I have not heard before, and have never heard since.

I look down and see my rags, the ones that have been weighing me down for so long. To you, they don't appear heavy because of the rips and holes in them, but they hold me back. They kept me away from this place.

My bare feet tracked mud onto the clean, white marble floor, and my dirty hair is steadily dripping rainwater; creating a puddle. I glance outside, and see the rain pouring down. The thunder cracks, and I gasp; bringing my hands to my mouth.

My hands. I pull them away from my face to look at them. Despite the rain, they (like my clothes) remain caked in black soot.

I shiver again. What would the King of this palace do to me? I was a nuisance in His home.

Suddenly, I hear heavy wooden doors open to my left. I look to see a broad, handsome man walking towards me. I avert my eyes. What am I doing here? I don't belong here...


"Welcome." His reassuring voice echoes to the depths of my soul. I lift my eyes to find the Prince standing in front of me, smiling; His hand outstretched for mine. I cautiously raise my dirty, blackened hand and lay it in His. We begin to walk, but I soon collapse. I didn't realize how exhausted I was. In one swift movement, He picks me up and carries me in His arms. I rest my head on His shoulder and drift into sleep and complete assurance.

I just...

Just...
Just want to go.
Just want to be there.
Just want to be your hands and feet
Just want to illuminate Your love.

I just want to go.

I just need....
Money.
Lots of it.

But...
It's not working.
I'm not working.
This plan isn't working.

And when I asked for prayers, I didn't
Just want prayers.

Prayers are amazing, but prayers don't pay for an airplane flight or an in-country fee.

Prayers won't take me there.
They'll take me far, but they can't place me there physically.

:'(

"Just" just isn't enough.

Hands.

Strong hands.
Lifting me; holding me up.
I didn't expect this strength.
Strength contradicts my weakness.

Guiding hands.
One gripping my elbow; another holding my hand.
Those hands became my sight.
Vigilant hands protected me.

Praying hands.

Hands on my knees; hands on my hands...

Prayers being whispered.

Prayers are as tangible as hands.

Hands lifted prayers to His ears.

I don't fully understand the miracle that happened last night, 

But I know that God created that miracle,

And He put the right people in the right place at the right time.

It may not seem like much, but I KNOW it was.

Prayer is a powerful weapon, and it was certainly used last night.

God heals. Prayer is His medicine.

"Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time He said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me." - 2 Corinthians 12:8-9

"Such a prayer offered in faith will heal the sick, and the Lord will make you well." - James 5:15

Hey, Jesus?... Be my valentine? :)

Today, obviously, is Valentine's Day.
Or, as my roommate lovingly refers to it, "Singles Awareness Day."

Despite spending today single, I was determined to remind myself and everyone I could that God is all we need.
I plastered pictures, statuses, and wall posts all over Facebook.
I'm a huge fan of cheesy sayings, so I loved the thought of God saying, "Be mine?"
I found a picture that said "So you want to find love? Just find God." Yes. Yes, it went up.
One of my favorite verses from 1 Corinthians was posted also: "A woman who is not married or a girl who has never married is busy with the Lord's work. She wants to be holy in body and spirit." (chapter 7 verse 34)

The older I get, the more I realize that I'm different from others my age (or even those a few years older than me) when it comes to romance.
You see a sunset, and wish you had someone there to share it with you.
I see a sunset, and think about the Creator that shared it with me.

I'm used to being single. I'm HAPPY being single.
This isn't one of those "female power", I'm totally independent and don't need a man blogs.
(Okay, except for the "I don't need a man" part ;) )

I've learned that a man isn't going to complete me. I've learned that having a boyfriend (or maybe eventually, a husband) isn't going to satisfy me.
People are going to let you down. They're going to "stop" loving you, they will not be available every time you need them, they won't say the right thing at the right time.
It happens.
BUT
God will always love you. He's there every time you need Him. He says the right thing every time, even when you don't know you need to hear it.

I'm trying to explain to you the magnitude of what I've learned the past few years.
I'm trying to help you understand how DEEP, how WIDE, how LONG, and how HIGH God's love really is.
But you can't fit all that into a blog.

Today, I had dinner with our one of our school librarians. She's a nice enough lady. She can hold up a conversation on her own (even if no one at the table is paying attention). If you're willing to listen, though, you might actually find some pearls in the things she says.
Tonight, she was talking about being single and dating. Since this is obviously one of my favorite topics, I paid close attention and ended up asking how she and her husband met.
"Well, I was actually single until I was 34. Most of my friends wanted relationships or were in them, but I was satisfied with being single. By that age, I had decided that God probably wanted for me to be single for my life. But I was happy with that."
Wow. I've talked before about being single for life before. Hearing that "single at age 34" was someone else's reality made it a reality for me.
But.. when most people would hear that story and think, "wow, that's so sad for her..."
that wasn't the way she looked at it at all. She was hopeful - not for eventually getting married, but excited for God's plans with her singleness. She was completely satisfied with God.

Honestly, if I could be like that when I'm older - so completely satisfied in God that it doesn't MATTER if I'm single or married - I don't think there could be a calling more worthwhile.

What would happen if we didn't keep our hearts hidden away from God? What would happen if we recklessly abandoned our love lives to God?
Every morning, God asks: "Be mine?"
What if we answered, "Completely."?

"Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart's desires." -Psalm 37:4

What would happen if we took delight in the Lord not to receive the desires of our hearts, but to have our desires transformed to God's desires?
Maybe then we would receive what our souls truly desire... and it won't matter if we're single...
We have God.
Now tell me - what MORE could a person need?

Healing

"You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
and You heal all my disease..."
["Healer", Hillsong United]

The past few months, I have seen God working in me. It hasn't been easy. In fact, I can't think of one time in the past few months when following Him or listening for His voice was easy. It's been difficult through and through.

You see, I have this chronic disease.
It's called being human.
Symptoms include pride, impurity, and sin in general.
There's only one thing that can heal me: the Ultimate Healer, my Savior.

It's not a simple healing process, but He is with me through it all. He is still here, as I am still healing, and always will be.
Don't you see? He has shown me His presence. He's calmed my raging seas and He's walked with me through fire. He's been holding every moment. He stayed and healed me because He loves me.

I've been pretty sick for a while now. I didn't want to admit it. There came a point where I had to give it up and go to the Doctor. And when I did, I saw how truly sick I was. I realized that He's the only one who can help me.

[This is where the miraculous part of the story begins.] 

I started changing. I didn't think it was possible, but suddenly it was happening. Swallowing the horse pills Doc gave me wasn't always fun, but I sure felt better after taking them. Then one day, I looked in the mirror... and I didn't see the same wounds I used to see. The scratches and bruises were fading; my tired eyes appeared brighter and full of life. 

But something appeared that reminded me of my scars. Instead of running away from sure illness, I crept closer. I know exactly what will happen, but I choose to forget. In the process, I forget my healing. 

After being sick and then healed, how could I choose to be sick again?

Why would I choose illness over health?

Why would I choose LESS than what God has offered me?

I have been offered healing and everything I need. 

I can accept it, or I can choose sickness and longing. 

I have to lean on what I know to be true:

"I believe You're my healer

I believe You are all I need

I believe You're my Portion

I believe You're more than enough for me.

Jesus, You're all I need."

I will always need healing... and I will always have healing. 

I will always have more than all that I need. 

Difference vs. Sum

I hate that this consumes me.
I hate that it's dictating and taking over my life.
I hate that it makes a difference...
But it makes a difference.

When I choose my clothes...
It makes a difference.
When I choose my meals...
It makes a difference.
When I look in the mirror...
It makes a difference.
When I step on the scale...
It makes a difference.

Maybe you don't see it, but I do.
You're lying if you think "there could never be a more beautiful you!"
Because there was, but you don't see her anymore.
She's hidden...buried, you could say.

Buried beneath guilt
Buried beneath jealousy
Buried beneath anger
Buried beneath self-loathing

Buried under multiple layers, and I don't know if we'll ever see her again.

What I don't understand is this:

"13 For it was You who created my inward parts; You knit me together in my mother's womb. 

14 I will praise You, because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, and I know this very well. 

- Psalm 139:13-14

I believe You made me, and I don't mean any disrespect when I say this, but... I don't see that I am wonderfully made. I see that my body is complex and it does amazing things that only You could imagine for it, but I don't see that the outside is wonderful.

I wish I understood.
I keep thinking: "But You don't see what I see!"
But You're whispering, "No, Child... You don't see what I see."
I wish I could see what You see. Things from my perspective don't look that great.

Sometimes I want to hide in the darkness.
Sometimes I don't want to stand in Your Presence.
Often, I don't feel worthy.

"11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me, and the light around me will become like night" - 

12 even the darkness is not dark to You. The night shines like day; darkness and light are alike to You." 

- Psalm 139:11-12

Your light still shines on me. And in the end, I'd rather be covered in Your light than covered in darkness.

"I can never escape Your Spirit! I can never get away from Your presence!"

- Psalm 139:7 (NLT)

I can find comfort in knowing You will never leave me. Not for any reason. I can't escape You, because You won't let me go.
I would rather find lasting comfort in You than find finite comfort elsewhere.

"17 God, how difficult Your thoughts are for me to comprehend; how vast their sum is!

18 If I counted them, they would outnumber the grains of the sand; when I wake up, I am still with You."

- Psalm 139:17-18

No matter what I look like when I wake up tomorrow, You'll still be there.

Even though I don't understand it all, I'm going to try to look at things from Your perspective now. After all, I'd rather end with a sum instead of a difference.






*All Bible verses, unless otherwise noted, come from the Holman Christian Standard Bible (CSB).

Like heaven, only smaller.

I look at the pictures again, and the memories come with them.
Then comes my smile.
I can't help it - when I see their smiles, mine appears from nowhere.

I miss it -
The lush green beauty of it all,
The amazing creation of nature surrounding us and following us everywhere.
The cool rain that came nearly every afternoon, like floods from the heavens...
You know the song "Grace Like Rain"?
The person who wrote that must have been to Costa Rica, because Your grace wouldn't be comparable to a few drops of water from the American sky.

The children.
Oh, Lord, the children.
Their smiles. Their laughter.
Their music.

It has to be what heaven sounds like, only smaller.
I am a musician, and I have performed and studied music for more than six years now.
But the sound that came together in that house was more amazing than anything I've heard before.
I couldn't hear anything wrong with their singing.
Sure, it wasn't at the same musical level as some songs I've sang and heard, but...
It was beautiful.
It was stunning.
It was heavenly.

They simply sang for You.
They sang for us,
abandoning all fears and timidity;
abandoning their hearts to You.

I didn't know the words they sang,
But I spoke the same language -
Your language.

I wonder if that's how You hear us when we sing to You.
You know there are imperfections, but You find our voices beautiful.
You ignore the imperfections of our voices, like You can't hear them.
You just hear the praise.

It must be like heaven.
Voices gathered together in praise -
Joyful, jubilant praise,
Stretching to You in streams as dense as the rain that falls from Your hands.

Yes, it must be like heaven.
Only heaven will be infinite times bigger.

I can almost hear their voices, ringing pure and clear.
I can't wait to hear them along with all the others.