Healing

"You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
and You heal all my disease..."
["Healer", Hillsong United]

The past few months, I have seen God working in me. It hasn't been easy. In fact, I can't think of one time in the past few months when following Him or listening for His voice was easy. It's been difficult through and through.

You see, I have this chronic disease.
It's called being human.
Symptoms include pride, impurity, and sin in general.
There's only one thing that can heal me: the Ultimate Healer, my Savior.

It's not a simple healing process, but He is with me through it all. He is still here, as I am still healing, and always will be.
Don't you see? He has shown me His presence. He's calmed my raging seas and He's walked with me through fire. He's been holding every moment. He stayed and healed me because He loves me.

I've been pretty sick for a while now. I didn't want to admit it. There came a point where I had to give it up and go to the Doctor. And when I did, I saw how truly sick I was. I realized that He's the only one who can help me.

[This is where the miraculous part of the story begins.] 

I started changing. I didn't think it was possible, but suddenly it was happening. Swallowing the horse pills Doc gave me wasn't always fun, but I sure felt better after taking them. Then one day, I looked in the mirror... and I didn't see the same wounds I used to see. The scratches and bruises were fading; my tired eyes appeared brighter and full of life. 

But something appeared that reminded me of my scars. Instead of running away from sure illness, I crept closer. I know exactly what will happen, but I choose to forget. In the process, I forget my healing. 

After being sick and then healed, how could I choose to be sick again?

Why would I choose illness over health?

Why would I choose LESS than what God has offered me?

I have been offered healing and everything I need. 

I can accept it, or I can choose sickness and longing. 

I have to lean on what I know to be true:

"I believe You're my healer

I believe You are all I need

I believe You're my Portion

I believe You're more than enough for me.

Jesus, You're all I need."

I will always need healing... and I will always have healing. 

I will always have more than all that I need. 

Difference vs. Sum

I hate that this consumes me.
I hate that it's dictating and taking over my life.
I hate that it makes a difference...
But it makes a difference.

When I choose my clothes...
It makes a difference.
When I choose my meals...
It makes a difference.
When I look in the mirror...
It makes a difference.
When I step on the scale...
It makes a difference.

Maybe you don't see it, but I do.
You're lying if you think "there could never be a more beautiful you!"
Because there was, but you don't see her anymore.
She's hidden...buried, you could say.

Buried beneath guilt
Buried beneath jealousy
Buried beneath anger
Buried beneath self-loathing

Buried under multiple layers, and I don't know if we'll ever see her again.

What I don't understand is this:

"13 For it was You who created my inward parts; You knit me together in my mother's womb. 

14 I will praise You, because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, and I know this very well. 

- Psalm 139:13-14

I believe You made me, and I don't mean any disrespect when I say this, but... I don't see that I am wonderfully made. I see that my body is complex and it does amazing things that only You could imagine for it, but I don't see that the outside is wonderful.

I wish I understood.
I keep thinking: "But You don't see what I see!"
But You're whispering, "No, Child... You don't see what I see."
I wish I could see what You see. Things from my perspective don't look that great.

Sometimes I want to hide in the darkness.
Sometimes I don't want to stand in Your Presence.
Often, I don't feel worthy.

"11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me, and the light around me will become like night" - 

12 even the darkness is not dark to You. The night shines like day; darkness and light are alike to You." 

- Psalm 139:11-12

Your light still shines on me. And in the end, I'd rather be covered in Your light than covered in darkness.

"I can never escape Your Spirit! I can never get away from Your presence!"

- Psalm 139:7 (NLT)

I can find comfort in knowing You will never leave me. Not for any reason. I can't escape You, because You won't let me go.
I would rather find lasting comfort in You than find finite comfort elsewhere.

"17 God, how difficult Your thoughts are for me to comprehend; how vast their sum is!

18 If I counted them, they would outnumber the grains of the sand; when I wake up, I am still with You."

- Psalm 139:17-18

No matter what I look like when I wake up tomorrow, You'll still be there.

Even though I don't understand it all, I'm going to try to look at things from Your perspective now. After all, I'd rather end with a sum instead of a difference.






*All Bible verses, unless otherwise noted, come from the Holman Christian Standard Bible (CSB).

Like heaven, only smaller.

I look at the pictures again, and the memories come with them.
Then comes my smile.
I can't help it - when I see their smiles, mine appears from nowhere.

I miss it -
The lush green beauty of it all,
The amazing creation of nature surrounding us and following us everywhere.
The cool rain that came nearly every afternoon, like floods from the heavens...
You know the song "Grace Like Rain"?
The person who wrote that must have been to Costa Rica, because Your grace wouldn't be comparable to a few drops of water from the American sky.

The children.
Oh, Lord, the children.
Their smiles. Their laughter.
Their music.

It has to be what heaven sounds like, only smaller.
I am a musician, and I have performed and studied music for more than six years now.
But the sound that came together in that house was more amazing than anything I've heard before.
I couldn't hear anything wrong with their singing.
Sure, it wasn't at the same musical level as some songs I've sang and heard, but...
It was beautiful.
It was stunning.
It was heavenly.

They simply sang for You.
They sang for us,
abandoning all fears and timidity;
abandoning their hearts to You.

I didn't know the words they sang,
But I spoke the same language -
Your language.

I wonder if that's how You hear us when we sing to You.
You know there are imperfections, but You find our voices beautiful.
You ignore the imperfections of our voices, like You can't hear them.
You just hear the praise.

It must be like heaven.
Voices gathered together in praise -
Joyful, jubilant praise,
Stretching to You in streams as dense as the rain that falls from Your hands.

Yes, it must be like heaven.
Only heaven will be infinite times bigger.

I can almost hear their voices, ringing pure and clear.
I can't wait to hear them along with all the others.

Beauty.

I just keep picturing Your smile.
It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
I can't help but smile back - a huge, completely carefree smile.

I run to You, and thow my arms around Your neck.
Your arms wrap around me,
And You start spinning -
Round and round and round -
As I hold You tightly, and I start laughing.
I just keep laughing, and then realize that You're laughing, too.
Looking in Your eyes, I know there is no other place I would rather be.

Still smiling, You set me down, and hold out Your hands to me.
I reach up and tenderly touch the holes in the middle of Your palms.
Seeking an answer, I look up at You.
I find it once again in Your eyes;
Looking back at me lovingly; comforting me.

I slowly smile back at You.
(How could I not smile back?)
You grasp my hands, still laying in Yours,
And spin me again,
Round and round and round.

And we laugh,
That throw-your-head-back, show-your-pearly whites kind of laugh,
And I don't know why I'm laughing,
But for some reason I can't stop,
Just like the spinning,
Round and round and round...

The colors fly around us -
Orange, yellow, green, blue -
Bright and brilliant.
I can't tell if we're in a field or in a dessert,
But that doesn't matter,
Because my eyes are focused on You
and that beautiful smile.
It's all revolving around You,
And You're that only thing that stays the same.

Nothing else around us matters -
All that matters is that You're here,
And I am finally with You; in Your arms.
As long as I keep my gaze on You,
The world doesn't even seem to exist.

It's You.
It's all You,
You and those reassuring eyes,
That enchanting smile,
Those perfect hands -
Perfect because they mean that I never have to leave You. <3


My Beloved is mine, and I am His. :)

For the Joy before Him

Who knew that a baby would solve all their problems?

He seemed to be a lot of trouble at first - her fiance was ready to leave her when he found out. Thank God (and His angel) that didn't happen. She really needed Joseph.

But oh, man, was that ride to Bethlehem difficult. A donkey isn't the most comfprtable animal to ride on, especially in the third trimester. She and Joseph were tired when the reached the town. There was only a stable to sleep in, but at least it was a place to rest, right?
Not for long. Mary soon gave birth to her little baby - a boy whom they named Jesus.

I wonder if all her tiredness just melted away when she held Him for the first time. One look into His eyes made her sure that it had all been worth it. He brought her such peace now, and such joy! "Yes, it was all worth it," she thought. "He was worth it all."

Who knew that years later, as a grown man, her baby boy would be thinking the same thing about her as He hung on a cross?
She looked up at Him, weeping, as blood poured from His body. He could barely speak, but I'm sure He was thinking, "She is worth it. They are all worth this."

Who knew that a baby would be born with the purpose of dying for the world?
I've heard of babies filling voids, but this baby filled a void that no baby and no human could ever fill.
I've heard of babies stealing people's hearts, but I don't think any baby has stolen as many hearts as Jesus did, and does.

Who knew that a baby could have such an impact?
Who knew that a baby could breing so much peace and joy?

Who knew that this baby would grow into a man who considered me His joy?
Who knew this man would love me enough to die for me?
Who knew this man had enough love to die for the world?
Who knew this man had the power to defy the grave and steal life from death's grip?
Who knew this man had the power of God?
Who knew that this man, this Holy Son of God, had the power to defy my sin and steal my heart?

Who knew that it would all start with a precious baby?

I surely didn't.
God did.
To this day, thousands of years later, I can feel my Father hold me in His arms, surely as Mary held Jesus, and whisper, "Yes, yes, my child... you were worth it all."

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." - Hebrews 12:2

This is me being real.

It's so frustrating.
I want to be where I was,
but I feel lost from that place.

I messed up so much.
You can say it doesn't matter now, but it does.
It makes a difference for today.

It takes me farther away.

It messed me up then, and it still messes me up now.
God, I just want to get away from it!
Why can't I get away?

I want to be genuine.
I'm trying so hard,
But my attempts just prove to me how fake I really am.

Why can't I be real anymore?

Why can't I break away from this?

I thought I forfeited the ball and chain,

Thought I gave it up for good...

but it haunts me.

it stays in my dreams,

it creeps into my thoughts.

it destroys.

I gave it up.

What more do you want?

Be gone, Satan!

Weight.

It lays thickly in the room.
You could cut it with a knife.
You could cut it with a knife.

Heavy, it hangs.
Droops, even.
Obvious.

Will it ever resolve?